And what to do about it.
What you want is not always what you need… and even though we know this, we still find it so hard to break a habit.
I don’t know about you, but life feels pretty heavy sometimes. There’s a weight. My shoulders carry it. My head knows it. My heart feels it. If you’re feeling low on energy, overwhelmed by the list of ‘need to… have to… should do…’ or just in need of something to pick you up a little, take a moment to reflect on what will truly help you.
There are the things I thought I wanted – things that take the edge off, and provide short-term relief. Then there are those things that I know will help, that nurture my soul and remind me to reset. I thought I’d share my lists with you.
What I used to think would help:
- To inhale sugar, usually in the form of a ‘sharing’ sized chocolate bar I have no intention of sharing.
- A glass or two of wine (possibly three).
- To shop online.
- To curl up under a blanket in front of the TV and binge-watch past my bedtime.
- To scroll on social media and lose myself in a world of comparisons.
What I know will help:
- To go outside and be in nature.
- To go to bed earlier and have a wonderful night’s sleep.
- To read a book in a warm bath.
- To go for a run.
- To hug my family.
- To get on my yoga mat – even just for 10 minutes.
- To be still, to breathe, to meditate.
- To sing.
- To drink a glass of water.
- To call a friend.
- To feed and watch the birds in my garden.
- To dance around the house to an awesome playlist.
Take a moment to reflect on what your lists would look like.
Write them down if it helps. Build yourself the toolkit for those moments you need it.
The question I get asked a lot in my role as a coach is this: How is it that I want a glass of wine to feel happy and you don’t? (you can replace this with scrolling, eating chocolate, online shopping – whatever the habit is that’s dragging you down)
Well, here’s the thing… When we first have a drink or two, extra dopamine is produced – this lights up the reward centre in our brain so it makes us feel happy! Our brain begins to connect alcohol to happiness. Over time, this becomes a well-established ingrained neural pathway – it’s a deep association established in our brain that alcohol = pleasure.
However, as our body gets used to alcohol, our levels of dopamine reduce and so it’s harder to get that happy buzz we associate with drinking.
Over time, drinking doesn’t feel as fun, or we need more of it to get that buzzy feeling. And we also start to lose the feeling of happiness with other things in life too – being in nature, listening to music, spending time with family/friends, eating lovely food, and even going on holiday.
It’s why we can’t imagine going on holiday or celebrating without a drink – our associations of alcohol and pleasure are so embedded.
I love the quotation by Toni Morrison in her novel ‘Song of Solomon’: “Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down”. And it’s true. We need to start by being honest with ourselves and see the habits that are weighing us down. And then we work on replacing them with habits that enable us to rise.
Because when we ditch the drink (or other habits holding us back) and our system regulates again, it’s life-changing. We feel a sense of contentment and happiness, we enjoy the simple things in life, we find pleasure in small things, and life feels better. What’s more, we don’t need alcohol to give us that buzz anymore, because we’re already getting it from life.
What does this mean for the early days of ditching habits?
Well, in the immediate short term, your habitual mind which thrives on craving and wanting, will probably feel a little cheated. Where’s my TV? My wine? My mindless scrolling? Ultimately, where’s my escape? My numbness? My quick ‘fix’?
But the anaesthetic we think we want is soon replaced by an aliveness we know we need. An awakening to all the little things in life that make it magical. A stillness and strength deep inside that is always within you.
Action Points:
- Begin by asking yourself what you use to ‘take the edge off’ the day or rely on to help you feel ‘happy’?
- What lovely habits, activities and experiences are in your self-care toolkit?
- Add to your self-care menu so that you’ve built a foundation of wonderful ways to bring joy, relief, and contentment to your days.
